True Connection in the Classroom
It’s clear that the world needs passionate, caring, effective, and engaged teachers more than ever. Our students desperately need the knowledge and skills that teachers can give, but it’s becoming increasingly hard for students to focus in class, to connect to their sense of intrinsic curiosity, and to learn just for the sake of learning. I’ve been reading Hold On To Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté which is primarily about how to maintain and restore healthy attachment in our children. I have been struck by how the authors emphasize the important role that teachers can and need to fulfill in the attachment needs of children.
Neufeld and Maté’s basic premise is that our society today pushes children away from their parents at a young age, valuing independence in all things, which disturbs their primary attachment relationship to their parents and transfers their desire for strong attachment to their peers. They extrapolate on this idea throughout the book, detailing the ways in which this is detrimental to the healthy growth of children and the relationship between parents and children. I won’t detail the whole book here (but highly recommend it), but essentially, if teachers want to be effective with students with students who are experiencing disruption in their primary attachment (and to be most effective with all students), they need to prioritize having a healthy, appropriate, and secure attachment with their students. Students need to feel seen, valued, and safe in our classrooms in order to learn to their full capacity. But, easier said than done right?
Here are some ideas for how to connect with students. The steps listed are outlined in the book and I’m extrapolating on them to adapt to the classroom.
Bring their attention to you:
In order to connect to you, students need to see you. If they don’t register you as a distinct, positive presence, they won’t register you as someone worthy of their interest. As a result, you won’t be able to show them that you care. Of course, it is most important to make a good impression at the beginning of the year when students are naturally more curious about you, but it is important to continue this process of “collecting” the interest of our students throughout the year. The strategy I’ve used for this is taking time at the beginning of EVERY class to have students answer a question that (gently) reveals something about themselves. The first day I saw them each week, we would talk about something good that happened over the weekend or something that they were looking forward to in the week to come. The rest of the days of the week we spend this time answering a “metaphor yourself” question. These questions ask students to think about themselves beyond a favorite or a dislike. My favorites are:
If you were an animal, what kind of animal would you be and why?
If you were a car, what kind of car would you be and why?
If you were a magical power, what magical power would you be and why?
If you were a kitchen utensil, what would you be and why?
If you were a color, what color would you be and why?
If you were an item that you can buy at a gas station, what would you be and why?
What planet in our solar system do you identify most with?
What figure from popular culture would you choose to represent you?
As you can see, these questions are pretty simple, but when you take the time to ask them every day, without the option to opt out, students start to reveal more and more about themselves. I always start the answering myself so that I am participating and they are learning about me. By looking in each student’s eye as they respond and sharing in laughter if they make a joke or in commiseration if they share something more serious, your students will see that you care about what they have to say, be oriented to your classroom, and more ready and willing to learn from you that day.
Give them something to attach to:
Students need to know you to attach to you. You don’t have to share sensitive details of your life, and, of course, be mindful of what is and is not appropriate to share, but letting them learn about you as you learn about them deepens their interest in you and softens them to you. One of the easiest ways to do this on a regular basis is to use the exercise outlined above and answer the question yourself, truthfully and thoughtfully, every time. Students will feel like you are part of the classroom—it is not you demanding from them, but a reciprocal environment. Another way to do this is to teach things that you love. I taught English, so I would teach books, poetry, ideas, etc. that I was completely obsessed with. Every time I tried to teach something that I was less invested in, my students were also much less invested. Enthusiasm is infectious and if the students are already feeling connected to you, getting to know about what you love and sharing in your enthusiasm for it will motivate them to work through the harder parts of what you’re asking them to do.
Invite Dependence:
While we want students to be learning to be independent young people who can handle what life throws at them, our role, as teachers, is to help them. In order to do this, students need to:
feel comfortable in your presence.
understand that mistakes are part of the learning process.
know that you will ensure that they are not ridiculed or teased by peers in your classroom.
know that you will take the time to figure out what their challenge actually is and help them through it.
Cultivating a classroom where students depend on you starts with stating, over and over, that they can come to you when they are struggling. But, of course, it’s never that easy. I’ve found that by gently forcing students to come to you, you can give them an experience of asking for and receiving your help. The easiest way to do this is when providing feedback on essays or projects. I know it’s not at all expedient to conference with each student individually about their work, but I think it’s more than worth it. If you can do this once a semester, students will come to see you as someone they can depend on to help them with their work in your class.
Orient your students:
This is probably the simplest of all the steps in this process for teachers. We are all conditioned to provide students with a map of their time with us, whether this is a year overview, a unit outline, or a daily agenda. However, it’s important to know that this is an important part of allowing students to trust and depend on us. They look to us for orientation in our classrooms and when we are able to provide it, their brains can relax to be better able to absorb the information we have for them.
I hope these ideas help! Or at least reinforce that you’re doing all the right things. Our students deserve us at our best. And what is our best but connecting deeply with the children that are put in front of us to learn both academics and life skills?
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